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Studying Underwear Criminals

-Arati Gurung

The bike screeched to a halt beside us, giving us a full view of what lay under the tight pants and even tighter, tinier undies of the young girl sitting behind the junky biker. It was a pretty embarrassing moment for me and the other women around; I cannot speak for the men, but my friend was telling me the view was not as pleasing as women would expect men to feel. On the contrary, he commented, it was scary.

I have been a witness to many underwear crimes happening in the city. I don’t know what it is with disgusting underwear scenes and me; I seem to be bumping into one wrong ‘underwear wearer’ to another! Hence I felt it my duty to help you get prepared incase such horror strikes you. God forbid you should ever!

Let me beware you of the various types of (misguided) underwear criminals that openly walk around the city making life as scary as hell.

The old underwear criminal: These criminals can be of both sexes, and hence the threat of having so many of them around. These criminals live with a psychological problem that makes them believe that investing in a good pair of undies is stupid. They thus take the life out of you by displaying dirty, faded; thread balled undies which are sometimes so worn out that they distort the shape of the criminals’ bottom or they try to spill out of her pants. Beware for this scene could stop your breathing for a few minutes, it has been known to take some victims to the emergency unit.

The ‘underwear-point’ criminal: Similar to a scene in a movie where the bad guy makes the good guy say/do things at gun-point, the ‘underwear-point’ criminal gives you no choice but to look at his underwear by flashing 75% of it – in your face. The criminals think of their crime as a cool fashion statement. This scene could result to indigestion of your food and incapability of mental activities for some time.

The thong criminal: These are women (I’ve heard some men wear them too, thanks to Friends’ Joey Tribbianni who announced, worldwide how good they made him feel)who live with the thought that noone but them know what a thong looks like. So they have it fully exposed, along with their cellulite - whenever they kneel down, bend over or squat. The scene requires a strong mind for it could make you dizzy and want to puke. It could haunt you for days.

These are the main culprits of underwear crime; I’ve done my bit of being a good citizen by informing you of the dangers out there, you do yours by spreading the word!

Be careful, these criminals could leave you disgusted and horrified forever. Never look right at them; they could ruin your eye sight.



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